Confessions of A Swineist, Part 2

ATTENTION: THE FOLLOWING CONCERNS A NATIONAL EMERGENCY
READ IT ALL

---

Here I am, on a saturday night, sitting in our office, typing on a computer.  What a lame saturday night.  You think I should be out partying?  Maybe catching a movie with a cutie?  At least hanging out with some friends...But no. I am home, on the computer.  The effects swine flu can have on one's social life...

I decided to create a sequel to my earlier Confessions of A Swineist, partially because of a certain article I have read.

THIS ARTICLE IS ARTICULATE

I have been getting better from the swine flu, almost fully recovered (ignore the fact that I am on 20 different medications and nearly passed out an hour ago...).  After going through this certain flu, I realized that it wasn't that bad.  I was getting better, was eating again, and could actually sit through an entire Hulu-ed episode of the office.  Then I received an email from NY Times Breaking News.  They send me an email because of my VIP status; every time something big happens, they let me know.

Anyway, the title of this email was "NEWS ALERT: Obama Declares H1N1 Flu a National Emerge."  Now I wasn't quite sure what this was about (yahoo cut off the ending), so I decided to read the email.  Apparently Mr. Obama thought he could go and declare a national emergency on me, right as I was getting better.  Are you saying that I was part of a national emergency?!?! OMG NO WAY! You know what else should be a national emergency? Car Crashes.  Rabies.  Sex offenders.  Maybe even cancer.

Wow, really?  Really Mr. Obama? Or should I call you Barrack?  Decide to go all emergency on me?  Well guess what, I had swine flu, and I didn't even go to the doctor!  You hear that? I. Didn't. Go. To. The. Doctor. And. I. Feel. Fine.

If you are going dial 911 on the national level, I think the problem should warrant a doctor's visit.  If you are in a car crash you go to the doctor, same with rabies.  If you have a bad run-in with a sex offender, you also probably go to the doctor.  If you have cancer, however, there is no need to see the doctor, just ride it out.

[ That was a joke. If you have cancer, do not take that advice.  If you have cancer, I am sorry, and you should probably go see a doctor if you haven't already. Chances are I will have cancer someday, and I am just mentally preparing myself for it by making jokes.[That was another joke, because I don't actually know my chance of getting cancer.[ Enough about cancer, it's not a national emergency]]]

Back to the article.  NY Times says that this "National Emergency" declaration will allow "officials to bypass
certain federal requirements."

Wow, really? Bypass certain federal requirements?  Wow...I had my hopes up about this national emergency thing.  Apparently when Obama dialed 911, he was worried that federal requirements would be a problem.  If there really was a national emergency, the president wouldn't worry about some damn federal requirements.  He would just go tamiflu on yo ass.  HAHA WHAT A FUNNY PHARMACEUTICAL REFERENCE! (Tamiflu is the medicine you take when you have the flu, in case you are not a pharmacist and still want to fit in with the rest of the people that enjoyed that reference)

"The H1N1 virus has killed more than 1,000 Americans and hospitalized over 20,000. "

Oh? Really? It has? OMG LETS ALL PANIC.  Actually, we should Phanic...(read my story in torch :)

Seriously people, 1,000 people is not very much. A few sentences later the article says:

" The seasonal flu typically hospitalizes 200,000 and kills 36,000 nationwide each year."

You hear that? 36,000 people die every year from the flu.  How many have died this year? 1,000.  Well, we should call this a national time of happiness, not emergency.  This point is invalid, because flu season hasn't really started yet, and most deaths occur later in winter...

---

So why is Obama so scared about this "flu"?  Well, most people think it is because of the vaccines.  As one analyst said, "it (the vaccine) is grown in eggs, “even if you yell at them, they don’t grow faster.”" I think we need to develop a... 


(sorry I ran off to sounds of my family yelling in the living room, watching the Iowa-Michigan state game.  Apparently our team is getting way to lucky, and needs to stop winning these close games...people might actually think we are halfway decent.)

You know your country is screwed if you have to grow vaccines in eggs.  Fertilized eggs, nonetheless. They say "it grew more slowly than expected."  What? That is so weird?  Why would they be growing so slowly? 

Oh, I know, maybe its because your growing them in EGGS. As in edible eggs that come out of chickens.  Were they really expecting the eggs to grow fast? "Hey, come on little egg, millions of people are relying on you for their life, please grow faster!"  Grow up America, use fetuses.

---

All the vaccines that did manage to grow in the eggs are highly sought after.  Clinics throughout the U.S. are running out, and people are desperate to protect themselves from the flu.  Hell, people would probably cash in their 401k for a swine flu vaccine.  It seems that if we give an animal name to the seasonal flu, it becomes a national emergency.  To stimulate the health care industry next year, how about we call it the "Possum Flu."  Maybe even the "Snake Flu."  How about the "Dog Flu." Yea, I like "dog flu".  That'll make me rich.

Back to an earlier point: rarity of swine flu vaccines.  Some people are so desperate for the vaccine, that they have been lying!  OMGSH! Lying! No way, that is morally wrong!  Listen to this:

 “I lied and told the doctors I was pregnant,” said Theresa Caffey of Centreville.

And guess what happened:

Vaccinated!

I left out the fact that she has multiple sclerosis and is nursing an 11 week old baby...

If something makes a lady pretend to be pregnant, you know it's serious.  What does Obama do in response? He issues a state of "National Emergency."  Oh, phew, national emergency will make it better...  WRONG.  

"Nor, they said, does it (Obama's declaration) have anything to do with the reports of vaccine shortages."

Good job.  You manage to address everything but the real problem: vaccine shortages.  Instead of wasting time getting around federal requirements, you could be improving the situation.  Maybe you could:

-Subsidize vaccines

-Increase funding for swine flu stuff

-Find a better way to grow the stuff (eggs don't seem very efficient).

-DONT MAKE US PANIC...MAKE US PHANIC!

Okay people, I am suffering from "severe tiredness," which is a symptom of swine flu.  You want to know what else causes tiredness?  Lack of sleep.  Lack of energy.  School.  Life.  Nearly everything else.

Livin the good life,

Mikey J

Above Image from NY times @ articleInline.jpg. 


Above the above image from http://www.sptc.net/attention.jpg.